Tuesday, July 27, 2010
PART 2: Outrageous Commitment
Now that I can breathe (my interview is over, yeah great experience...we will see) I can catch you up on what has been going on in our neck of the woods. As you know Wednesday came and passed, and as a result of Outrageous Commitment class I have 6 pages of notes on how to not just think about the impossible when it it comes to relationships, but how to do something about it.
I love what Dr. Ronn said about women- we should not apologize for wanting to share our emotions or needing that reassurance of our love, that is how God made us. And ultimately, our goal is to imitate the kind of love he gives to us. Men, it's important to know that even if you shower us with words one day, telling us in nouns, verbs and adjectives how deep your love is for us...it expires at midnight and we need it again :).
So our Action plan for both women to men and men to women in becoming bilingual in love...
Women to Man:
Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit,but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also the interests of others. (These Actions aren't for giving up what's our best interests, but to think of ours and his).
1. What you desire him to do consistently, you must applaud him consistently.
Now, I know what your thinking -why should I have to applaud him for taking out the trash or mowing those are things he should be doing. But think about it don't you liked being thanked on how nicely you cooked that dinner or how sparkling the toilet is ?
Side note: I have been trying to do this a lot more lately, and I am actually loving it-he deserves to hear what a great job he is doing in everything, it makes me STOP and instead of thinking about what I need in that moment and share with him what I appreciate.
P.S I think that since I have been aware of this rule and what I need to do for him, I have noticed him applauding things I do...
Men have a much better change in response when you point out what he is doing RIGHT. ;) Applaud those baby steps, and eventually they will become man steps.
Scenario Dr. Ronn used is:
Husband comes home and you ask about his day.
Husband: I am good, work was good.
Wife: DON'T say -what that is all you got ? please share some details so I feel like I am a part of your world (lol ok exaggeration)
DO say-Thank you I love it when you share how you are, I am glad that you had a great day and that's important to me.
Then he will want to do the DAZZLE factor. Husband(thinking to himself):What she thinks I am a good communicator I thought I sucked at it? well if she thought that was good watch this...
When you tell your man how wonderful he is, he will show you wonderful.
2. How to Communicate Effectively-First, get to the bottom line. Then add the details.
The why- Guys won't likely go to your world of ideas if they don't know where it's headed. They want to be prepared so that at the end they can be ready and good at if you need their advice or opinion. Also, if you tell them the main point up front they will be more likely to listen (is this going to be a happy or sad story,do I need to shut up or talk,will I have to do something at the end) instead of thinking.
Dr. Ronn says if you don't know what the headline is DON'T process it with him! Spend some time with Jesus and a legal pad and then go to him with "We don't spend enough time together. "
3.Give him time to process his emotions (and understand yours).
Dr. Ronn described men at Dial up- processing one thing at a time. Women are like DSL-All over the place.
Men do not start processing your words until you have stopped talking, where as women process while talking. If you make the man answer you right there before processing-it will be something he can do immediate, like telling you he doesn't understand or argue about how you said something. It will end up an argument about the argument instead of the issue.
Instead after you talk to him say, after you process I would like to hear your opinion, I am looking forward to what you have to say and I appreciate when you have time to share.
Man to Women
1. First, put it into words. Let her know what she means to you! don't just show it, say it-go that extra mile.
Man might say why do I need to tell her I am sorry for not listening , if now I fixed the problem and when were talking I'm looking at her -she needs to hear it!
Why do I need to tell her that I am choosing to come home to her because I love and appreciate her instead of just coming home-she needs to hear it!
Ears need to HEAR before she can SEE the action.
Using your words is not an obligation, but an opportunity to increase intimacy and a long life together.
2. (Like this one) Listen without advising, instructing or providing solutions unless she asks for it. Men think that it's weird that we would want to talk to them even if we don't need input-they jump into the role of wanting to tend/help/fix. But we think your our man and you care how we feel and we JUST sometimes need your interest and concern in our life.
3.Initiate physical affection that doesn't have to lead to sex. Again, this is where man goes into action of tender/keeper-we got the equipment and we know the process, let's get started.
Women sees it as passion- you don't get the body fully if you haven't been receptive to the rest of it (our mind, input or company). If you want that special Friday night, you need to start on Monday- showing her all of her parts matter!
Wow, ok so as you can tell Wednesday was pretty fantastic - it really has given me a fresh perspective on Greg and mines relationship. It still amazes me how you can continue to fall in love with someone...but it happens.
Next week-How to solve conflicts/problems!