At Church on Sunday we had a guest speaker-Dr. Ronn Elmore. Not only does he hold a MA in Theology , Marriage/Family Counseling and a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, but he is seriously funny. I posted his message from the service because it is sooooo true and hit home lol. Greg and I just had a talk (just a Lil friendly one) ;) about how guys and gals (him & I) share our feelings differently. Dr. Ronn's message Sunday was ALL about how we pick our significant other because they are opposite of us and that we Always want them to love us how we love them (e.g love notes on the fridge or telling them WORD for WORD how much they mean to us). Anyways, I was hooked and then the fun part... Bayside's Summer Splash. Dr. Ronn was hosting a free 3 part series these next 3 Wednesdays in a class titled "Outrageous Commitment:48 vows of an indestructible marriage."
Now I understand I am not married lol, and that taking this class might freak Greg out ( I didn't tell him the title, but he said he might go next week), but I thought I could get some helpful information.
Here is what I learned, as I will share these next two weeks in PART ONE of Outrageous Commitment and how to succeed in it!
Relationships that work, takes some work.
How women and men are in relationships weren't created from us, but from Adam and Eve (watch how this works-crazy)! A little bit of foundation (all new to me too)...
God Created Adam with a function- to work, finish a job and to be successful at it. God was the best of all bosses always letting Adam know what a great job he was doing.
God then created Eve for the sole reason as to be a human relation (this is where we get our innate need to be the leader/expressor of our relationships) to Adam, no one should be alone. When Adam saw Eve the first thing he did was (in my own words) tell her how amazing she was , boom she was instantly secure.
Then, we all know this part ... they sinned and things changed, now Adam Struggled to feel significant, now Eve struggled to feel secure.
This is us today:
Dr. Ronn said the main reason couples go to therapy is because the women don't feel secure in the relationship (he does not tell me how he feels, I feel his work/hobby is more important than me, he tries for a while and then stops). For men they don't feel significant or respected (I jump through her hoop and then she only raises it higher, doesn't acknowledge what I am trying to do, I would rather do nothing-then try and fail or get nagged at).
A man does his best when they are recognized for what they do. They look at everything like a job/check off list, something they have to do and move on, all about function NOT emotion! (E.G Dr. Ronn used- a man driving home thinks of what he has to do when he gets home; water the plants (check), kiss my wife to show her I love her(check), sit on the couch to watch the game (check)).
A women is at her best when there are nouns, verbs, adjectives describing feelings and then the actions that follow those words (mushy gushy tell us and show us).
The key is that men and women are bilingual ( women-language of security, men- language of significance) and we need to learn to speak the others language. Of course we won't be as good at it as our own language, but at least we can communicate.
Women don't dismiss the ways your man shows you his love (e.g he washes you car for you -Greg did that for me and didn't even ask just did it. Although I thanked him, now I know I really should of commended him more-that was him showing his love, I shouldn't be SO concerned about the words).
Now when we get scared or insecure in our relationships our human tendency is to resolve it by Controlling Everything.
Then Men start using sports, work, hobbies, flirting- to get that feeling of significance back.
Women use money, friends , family to get that sense of security back.
We can not be pre-occupied by our own fear because then we forget about what the other person needs and a deep hole starts to be dug.
LOL, so that's what I got from my first class and I am super excited for the next two weeks. Were going to start getting into practical ways to learn our mates language and to remember to love the other person how they need to be loved not just the way we do.
So be ready for next Wednesday!